so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
