actually, I'm a sock model
My friends, they love my intelligence
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
