be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
