sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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