You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
