I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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