He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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