Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
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I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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