I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The best revenge is premature balding
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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