saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You are the jesus of drinking
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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