i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize
