dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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