I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
