did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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