i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She announced her abortion via fbk
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
