I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
