So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
