I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
