did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize