My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
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