Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
