Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
