Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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