I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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