All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
