A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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