my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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