i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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