based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
