turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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