i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
