All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
this just has baby written all over it
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
