What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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