How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
