just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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