you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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