Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
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How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize