turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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