Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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