You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
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Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha