rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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