If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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