the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
