I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
