Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
