The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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