I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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