I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
