He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
