Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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