but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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