i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
