Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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