This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
